DON'T MAKE A MONKEY OUT OF ME

You know, it strikes me as funny today as I underwent my physical for a new job, the things that they make you do. You know that I do factory work, right? It's over there on the right in my "about me" column. Well anyway, I do. Of course there are things in factory work that can be strenuous at times. You have to be at least reasonably agile and able to perform certain functions. You may have to lift things at times of varying weights and you may have to be able to get up onto platforms for example. Factory work is not necessarily wheelchair accessible if you know what I mean. I can understand a company's desire to make sure you can walk, stand, bend, and lift before they actually send you off onto their factory floor. This is at least minimally important to be ascertained.

But sometimes I think these so-called tests are something more akin to those what-would-you-do-for-a-Klondike-bar commercials. You know the ones I'm talking about. Like the one where the guy stands on a table and barks like a seal.

Don't get me wrong here. A job is important. It pays the bills. Generally speaking I still happen to need one. But they (the companies) seem to be begging the question how bad do you want it? with a bit of snicker and a grin.

In a word, and I'm being more than fair here, the tests are ridiculous. They are humiliating and ridiculous. Incredulously you stand there as they tell you, with every bit of seriousness, what ridiculous task you must perform and you suddenly have an urge to ask, "are you people serious? Lemme see that paperwork you have there. Are you sure this is for the factory job?"

Get on your hands and knees and crawl. Pick up this bolt and crawl backwards with it in your hand. Then crawl forward again and put the bolt back where you took it from. Reach up and play with this nut and bolt with your hand above your head for two minutes. Now play with the nut and bolt with your other hand for another two minutes. Walk up and down this staircase six times...

The ridiculous list of course goes on.

Look, I'm happy to have a job. The company I will be working for is a good one. But I'm not a show seal in a zoo waiting for you to throw me a fish when I perform well. Or a dog anxiously waiting for you to request my next trick so I can get a bone. Really, what it boils down to is I'm not an idiot. I'm simply a guy who wants to make an honest living so I can support myself, my wife, and my way of life.

We all know that the folks who come up with these ridiculous tests are of the type that would never be required to do any such thing, so I say to them knock it off. It isn't funny and nobody deserves to be made into a monkey for anything, especially for a job.